my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
