we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
