I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
