help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
