She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
