i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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