Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you will always have a special place in my vag
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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