Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
