Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
