nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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