I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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