im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
