im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
