Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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