Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
