You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
