as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
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I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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