i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
