the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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