I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
