Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
