Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
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I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
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it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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