the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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