just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I wear drunk well.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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