So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
