I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think I won the penis lottery.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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