More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
there's paper in my vomit.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
