Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
