Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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