I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
