He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
