Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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