Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
