they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
