she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
