haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
