his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
