I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
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We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
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I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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