Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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