Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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