Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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