i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
