2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Of course I have a pirate flag
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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