Umm I'm too high to move.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
