just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
