Just took my morning after pill in the library
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
