dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
