thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
