Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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