my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
