So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
