I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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