In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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