I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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