Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
