So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
