my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
