were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
