I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
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Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
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These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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