3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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