I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
