I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
