You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
