what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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